Nursing You

"My home birth turned into a vaginal hospital birth. My vaginal hospital birth turned into a cesarean. My easy breastfeeding journey? It turned into a much harder one. I don't remember trying to get David to latch after my birth. I was on magnesium sulfate and totally out of it. I remember moments from the night he was born, but not all of them. Trying to breastfeed? I don't remember it. Drex tells me I tried. My mom tells me I did too. He wouldn't latch. I do remember crying. I do remember asking for a nipple shield. I do remember that he was able to latch with it. I do remember that no one told me how to use it correctly, no lactation consultant came, my support was minimal."

"That first week we were home, his first week of life, was filled with jaundice jabs and weight checks. I hated them. I cried and cried. I hated breastfeeding. I remember sobbing, begging Drex to go get formula, I was exhausted and David was awake constantly, never satisfied. Please, I need formula. I hate breastfeeding. I hate this. Six months?! I don't think I can do it a month!!!! He told me no. I could do it. One day at a time. David gained, slowly slowly, but he gained. Then at his two week checkup, he'd lost weight again. I cried again. I was sure my milk was bad, it wasn't working, I was failing him. I failed at birthing him, and now I was failing at feeding him."

"She gave me a list of supplements to try and boost supply. And then the sns. I cried when she mentioned it. Using it felt like a fail. He needed extra. She explained why, that hopefully giving him extra easily while eating would make him work harder. Just a few days. I'd use my pumped milk. I wasn't failing. I hated that stupid thing. It was such a pain. But it worked. Finally, at three weeks old he was back to his birth weight. "

"And then, just before he was two months old, I decided just to try it [nursing without the shield]. And he latched. Both sides. Perfectly. We never looked back."

Two weeks ago you nursed for the last time. A day after you turned 19 months old, me 30 weeks pregnant with your little sister. You were ready. It was a long time coming. Everyday slowly turned into every other day, which slowly turned into every three days, and then a five day stretch, and now it's been two weeks. I was ready, at least part of me was. I had never wanted to tandem nurse, I wanted a small break between nursing you and your sister, but I also had decided to follow your lead, to not rush you. You made the decision yourself, and I followed. Today I cried. I looked at pictures of nursing you at one day old, remembering how impossibly hard it was, how I felt like we were never going to get through it. But then we did. 

I fought so hard for this journey and now it's just...over. It's so good but the sadness is still there. You won't remember this season of nursing you. But I will. I will remember the days and nights in which I cried, desperately wanting to give up while also being so determined to make it work, for you and for me. I will remember the day I called that IBCLC, hardly able to form the words I needed through the tears. I will remember the day she gave me that SNS, the very thing I dreaded that ended up being exactly what you needed. I will remember the day we found out it worked. I will remember sitting on our couch in the dark small apartment we brought you home in where you latched for the first time without that shield. I will remember the pain, oh the pain, that first week without the shield brought me, as I applied coconut oil on constantly and just had to tell myself "one day at a time". We worked so hard and oh sweet boy we won. We did it. You did it. I am so proud of us for making it so far. Nursing you is one of the things I am most proud of. It taught me so much about myself and I will carry the memories of this journey forever. 

06/12/2014-one day old

01/12/2016-19 months + 1 day