Nursing Eden

Photo by Sommessa Photography

I'm going to be honest, I've been trying to write this post for days. I've been looking for (waiting for) the right words to say, because the honest to goodness truth is, this journey with Eden has been kind of awful. I wrote about nursing David when he was around 5 months old and I've always planned on doing the same with Eden. I was waiting until we found our groove, but the reality is we haven't and I'm not sure we ever will. I think nursing her may always just be hard and it's probably about time I just embrace that as best I can, so here I am.

From the moment she first tried to latch, we've struggled. Torticollis, oversupply, milk blebs, and mastitis. She's always been picky about positioning, for her first few months of life she couldn't nurse anywhere but the boppy and now she won't nurse unless she's laying down. Reflux meds, chiropractic care, craniosacral therapy, PT, probiotics, and here we are.

I was talking to Drex a few nights ago, telling him how I was struggling to write this because "I don't have anything good to say about nursing her". For some reason, admitting that nursing sucks makes me feel like a failure of a mom sometimes. With David, I loved it. Sure we had a bumpy start but once we found that rhythm it was so magical. It was bonding and peaceful and I loved it. I loved it so much that I nursed him until I was 32 weeks pregnant when he weaned himself. That's not my story with Eden and there are moments that are filled with a lot of guilt because of that.

Nursing Eden looks like leaving my toddler to play by himself while I take her upstairs and lay her in our bed. It looks like a dark room and white noise, where I can't be on my phone because it'll distract her. It looks like a schedule because I can't just leave all the time. It looks like the inability to leave the house on a whim, she won't eat when we're out (unless I lay down of course). It looks like begging her to eat in a carrier and becoming flustered and frustrated because why won't you just nurse. It looks like telling myself I only have to make it 5 months before I can wean her. It is hard. If she would take a bottle, I'd switch her to formula in an instant, but she won't and so I nurse on.

Nursing Eden isn't magical for me, it isn't amazing or incredible, but it is her nutrition. It is her food source, it is necessary and important. I often have to intentionally seek out the good from it, it isn't just obvious. The way she holds my hand when she starts nursing, the way she calms down as she snuggles up next to me, the way that she forces me to slow down, to have quiet time, to be present. She's teaching me perseverance and patience. Those are good things. They are things I am thankful for. I am thankful that despite hurdles, my body nourishes her. That through it she is growing and thriving and flourishing. I am proud of how far we've come, and though I would love to have given up SO many times, I am proud of myself for continuing to give it my all for her. Because she is amazing and incredible and she might not be the easiest nursling but she is the most wonderful baby.