Photos by Sommessa Photography.
So I've wanted to write about this for awhile but it's so hard coming up with the right words to say. I think it's SO important to talk about and I think not enough people talk about it which is probably why it feels so crazy hard and honestly kinda awkward to get into.
So hey, I'm on Zoloft. And that's okay.
Every morning after getting the kids dressed, changed, fed, (you know the usual) I take one small pill. I have PPD/PPA. Which are just fancy initials for postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. Big scary words that you don't want to have and yet so many mamas do. I knew I had it before I admitted it to anyone, including Drex. I knew I had it, but I so desperately wanted to believe I didn't. I had a nice list of excuses.
This isn't postpartum depression, these are just normal postpartum emotions. I'm just emotional. It's just a bad day. It'll get better. I'm just adjusting. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
But I wasn't fine. I knew that deep down inside I wasn't okay and this wasn't my normal and something was going on. Eden was a really hard newborn. I think it's so easy to pretend (especially on social media) that our lives are totally perfect and our children are angels. But Eden was not an angel as a newborn. Eden was colicky. She cried constantly, she wasn't any good at nursing, she had torticollis, she had reflux, she was just really hard. Add a toddler to the mix and a husband that works long hours and those first few weeks were rough. It was so easy to tell myself that I was just adjusting. But it didn't go away and it didn't get better. I was becoming someone I didn't recognize and I was not the mom I wanted to be.
I was angry. I would be fine one second and then the littlest thing (usually David) would set me off. It wasn't like I just raised my voice, I screamed. I screamed and I sobbed and I couldn't handle it. Everything felt overwhelming. I felt miserable. I remember telling Drex at one point that I was the most miserable I had ever felt in my life. It was like a huge wave just overcoming me, and I couldn't do anything to stay afloat. I was drowning. I wasn't bonding with Eden, I was hurting my relationship with David, Drex was having to come home every single day from work to help me out because I couldn't handle it. And I hated that. I hated feeling like I was totally failing at this mom thing.
I would get on Facebook and instagram and see pictures of people and I remember thinking, "see, they love their babies, why don't I love my baby?". I had an amazing birth, so amazing. Not what I planned but SO amazing and yet I wasn't bonding with her.
And then one day it just got really bad. I wanted to leave, I wanted to run away and never come back. Eden was crying, David dropped a gummy on the floor and I just lost it on him. I started screaming at him about a gummy. And he cried. And Eden cried harder. I grabbed the car keys and I walked out the garage door and I collapsed on the ground sobbing. I called Drex, I told him I couldn't take it, and he met me in love like he always has, firmly and yet lovingly he told me to call my OB and that started the process of healing. So every single day, I take zoloft and I'm a better mom for it. No matter how crazy the days get, I rock them. I mean sure there are bad days, but I'm infinitely calmer and collected. I am able to meet David and Eden with grace and love. And I bonded to her. It just happened.
I had all these fears about meds. You know they seemed scary and I was honestly terrified of becoming a zombie. Like a lifeless zoned out zombie. I am thankful that I get to tell you that I did not become a lifeless zoned out zombie but instead I just felt normal. I felt like myself again. I didn't feel crazy happy or anything weird like that, just normal. It was like this fog cleared and I could handle life again. I could be the mom that I so desperately wanted to be and that was huge.
So, why am I telling you this?
Because I think it's important. I don't know who's reading this and maybe all of you out there reading this have never had this issue, but I bet you know someone who has. Postpartum depression (and anxiety) have a way of making you feel isolated, abnormal, crazy but you're not alone. You're not crazy, you're not abnormal, you're not failing. You are strong and brave and amazing and your body has done so much. It has done so much for you and maybe it's a little outta whack and maybe you need some extra help and that's okay.
I really wanted to avoid meds. I really did. I don't say that lightly. I spent lots of money on boosting my omegas and my vitamin D. I began running. I made an effort to get out of the house more, to talk to people, and those things were so great to try, but at the end of the day I needed something more. Doing those things and not feeling better, left me feeling a lot of guilt. Just a lot of I should be able to fix this myself. I just need to work harder, get out even more, give it more time, I just wasn't trying hard enough.
But I was. I was trying and trying and it wasn't getting better and you know what? At the end of the day I just wanted to be the best mom I could be to my kids and where I was at wasn't it. So I take a small pill that helps me do that. I take a small pill that equips me to love better. And I'm so glad I do.
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