For the past two weeks I have been feeling especially worn down and burnt out. I have felt completely and utterly drained with nothing left to give and yet these little people that I love oh so much were still finding things to take. I have been tired, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Eden is in the middle of a hard sleep regression and David has been struggling with certain behaviors. I have felt so in over my head, feeling for the first time that I'm not equipped for this.
I figured the fix for this was time for myself. A break. Coffee, a massage, acupuncture, whatever. Just something alone and for myself. I bought a book, Present over Perfect, thinking maybe that would help. I prayed, a lot. I knew I loved my kids, I told Drex I was so thankful to stay home with them, but gosh I just was SO burnt out.
I made an appointment last week to try out acupuncture for the first time. I was really hoping it would help get me out of my funk. When the day of the appointment came around (yesterday), I knew snow was in the forecast. The previous week they'd predicted this bad storm that never came and so, because this wasn't predicted to be anything terrible, I kept the appointment. I kissed my babies goodbye and left our house at 12:30pm. I expected to be back by 2. Snow began falling as I made by way to the appointment. Nothing crazy, just little flakes blowing around. The appointment lasted about 40 minutes and at 1:40pm I got back into the car to begin making my way home. By this point, the wind had picked up and snow was beginning to stick. I pressed "home" in my maps and saw the predicted ETA 43 minutes blegh. I texted Drex and told him to leave work and head home, that traffic was getting bad and the commute would be a little longer than usual.
Maps, on a mission to get me home the fastest, took me off the highway. I didn't think much of it. I often take back ways to get home in traffic and I knew I needed to be back to get Eden down for her afternoon nap. I was hoping to get home around 2:15 at this point, and texted my mom telling her I'd be a little late and traffic was bad. I headed up a hill and came to a stop behind a truck. Once again, no biggie. Traction was hard to get and I just assumed someone was struggling ahead and it'd just be a few minutes. Except that a few minutes turned into 30 minutes, which turned into an hour, which turned into two hours. Which turned into 2.5 hours. I was sobbing. Stuck on a hill as light became dark, as the snow and wind picked up, and the hours passed. I needed to be home. I needed to feed Eden, who doesn't take a bottle. She needed to nap. I called Drex hysterical. I called my mom, my dad. Both whom were stuck in the building traffic, they both headed towards me.
Finally two firetrucks, a plow, and a police officer came to our rescue. They poured kitty litter and gravel under our tires, and then they pushed. It took two times to get our van unstuck and finally, after three hours I headed back onto the highway in the direction of home. By this time the highways were completely backed up and traffic was barely moving. I called Drex, I told him I was hoping to be home by 6. It took me another 3 hours from when I got back onto the highway until I took our exit. The road home is one lane through town and up a slight hill. The van got stuck twice but teens and men were out pushing cars and so they helped me. Seriously, we have the best community. I made it a few miles from home when I made the decision to pull over and leave the car. It was after 7 and Eden NEEDED to go to bed. Traffic wasn't moving, I had spent the past 15 minutes waiting for a single light and hadn't moved an inch. I had to get home and nurse my baby, and if that meant walking, so be it.
It took me 40 minutes of uphill walking in the freezing snow and wind. It was 8pm when I walked through our door. I have never been so happy to be home. I was frozen and tired, my legs felt like jello and I never wanted to move again, but I was home.
This morning I woke up and suddenly I didn't feel burned out anymore. I didn't feel exhausted or worn down. I felt overwhelmingly thankful. I snuggled my babies, I played with them, I told them I loved them. Turns out what I needed wasn't a massage or a coffee break. What I needed was to be reminded how much I LOVE these kids. How I would do anything for them, like walking home in a snowstorm. That loving them and serving them is a privilege not a burden.
It's been 24 hours and I never want to drive in the snow again ;)
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