From the archives | looking back

A year ago I had a different blog. I wrote because I needed somewhere to put all the things I was feeling. At the time it seemed unimportant, me just writing words but today I decided to look back through those old posts. I remembered why I blog today, not because anyone reads it but because it's my way of stopping time. Recording something that will forever be etched into this little space. This post that I wrote on October 1st, 2013 still holds so much truth for me today and looking back and seeing what God was doing then is so encouraging. The day I wrote this post, I found out I was pregnant. Now I'm sitting here, soaking up the last few moments of nap time, in awe of a God who perfectly orchestrates our lives. Knowing what we want, knowing what we need, and blessing us in His time.

| originally titled "blessings" |

"You cannot earn God's blessings, you can only receive them"

-Hilary Paulsen, who blogs  here

Hilary is one of my favorite people, so it's only fitting that the sermon she last preached is one of my favorites too (you can listen to it here, it's the one titled "God is Trustworthy"). I actually skipped church the day it was preached on. I didn't feel good and Drex had to be there extra early to usher so I stayed home while he went. The first thing he said to me when he walked in the door after getting home? "That sermon was meant for you, if there was any sermon ever that you needed to hear, that was it." Dang it right? Luckily our church has podcasts so I was able to listen to it and it was even more incredible than Drex had let on. God is trustworthy. Something I've struggled with these past few months. Hilary says it perfectly, "I was hanging on to the edge of my own cliff saying 'God help me!' but when He came to offer me His hand, I'd say whoa whoa whoa what are you doing, I always kind of pictured that you would come at me with your right hand but now I have your left hand here and I'm not really sure what to do with that, and you're actually kind of doing this weird finger interlock grip but I saw one time on the discovery channel how if you do this wrist grip there's so much more leverage and I think I would just respond to you so much better if you could just come at me like this and I was completely dictating my own rescue scene." 

I actually smile when I think of how wonderfully relevant this is to my own life, my husband knows me so well ;) But this. This is me. Telling God how I want my rescue story to look and being unwilling to be rescued if it doesn't look like I think it should. And in taking that stance, I am unavailable to receive the blessings He has for me. The blessings that He promises are so much better than anything I could ever dream of. This past month I have let go and with that I have experienced a wonderful peace. Not because I have any idea what life holds, but because God does. There are four thoughts that go through my head everyday. What is God doing in this moment? Leave room for God to work. God, You know what I want, You know my desires, You've heard my prayers, but God I am trusting in You to give me what I need and what You have for me, and since hearing this sermon, you [I] cannot earn God's blessings, you [I] can only receive them. My days consist of consciously and constantly surrendering to Him. 

I am so thankful for this summer. For the pain, the hurt, the misery. Because through it I have experienced a wonderfully authentic relationship with God. Because yes it is SO hard, but He is SO good. His goodness and love covers all that is hard and more. I am so excited for this school year, I can't wait to see how God moves and what He has in store for us. In 13 days Drex and I will celebrate a year since being baptized and feeling God's call on our lives. Can you believe it hasn't even been a full year?! Our relationships with Him are constantly growing and developing. We haven't stopped learning or struggling and we never will. But we have gotten better at listening. We have learned to love Him better, and allowed Him to love us better too. And slowly, but surely, we're learning to allow Him to bless us. 

This morning I woke up an hour before I needed to, and I was awake for a phone call asking me if I could nanny this Thursday, and then Tuesdays and Thursdays for the next two weeks. Small blessings. Time spent with the two sweet boys I was lucky enough to build relationship with last Spring. A blessing for their current nanny, a blessing for their momma, and a blessing for me. I have been asked again and again what I'm doing this year. My answer, I have no idea, but God will provide something, He always does. How different would my life be if that was my answer to everything? I don't have a clue but He does. I still don't have a clue what I'm doing this year, but I know what I'm doing the next two weeks. And right now, that's all I need.

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I never wrote this then, but after I listened to this sermon, I surrendered our attempts at having a baby to God. Hilary preached this on September 15th, 2013. The few days after I spent in prayer. Telling God I wanted to trust in HIS plans for me, and stop trying to dictate what I wanted. I told Him through tears that if we weren't supposed to have babies, if that wasn't His plan, that it was okay. That I would do whatever He had in store for us. I told Drex I'd still track things this month, but I wasn't going to obsess. I was really giving it all to God. 5 days later, David was conceived (when you're actively trying to have a baby, you know exactly what day you ovulate). 16 days later I saw two pink lines on a test. God is awesome, huh? I'm learning His greatness and love in a whole new way as a parent. Looking back, in the moments when I felt so lost and confused and distraught, He was working. He always is.