Tonight I received this text from the mama I donate milk to. This. Her response, it's what makes it worth it. See, breastfeeding hasn't been an easy thing for me. It's been hard and I've had to fight for it. Sometimes I'm scared I'm going to just dry up. I have a 76 ounce emergency stash in the freezer just in case. I think I'll always struggle with that fear. But tonight, I am thankful. Thankful that we're where we are. That we have a beautiful and successful breastfeeding relationship.
Before I had David, really even before I was pregnant, I knew I was going to breastfeed my baby. There was no excuse I decided and regardless of any struggles, we'd make it work. Of course, I didn't really think there would be any struggles. I knew people who'd breastfed after all. My sister in law was (is) one of my biggest role models when it came to nursing and I'd watched her nurse both her babies from birth, never missing a beat.
And then David was born.
My home birth turned into a vaginal hospital birth. My vaginal hospital birth turned into a cesarean. My easy breastfeeding journey? It turned into a much harder one. I don't remember trying to get David to latch after my birth. I was on magnesium sulfate and totally out of it. I remember moments from the night he was born, but not all of them. Trying to breastfeed? I don't remember it. Drex tells me I tried. My mom tells me I did too. He wouldn't latch. I do remember crying. I do remember asking for a nipple shield. I do remember that he was able to latch with it. I do remember that no one told me how to use it correctly, no lactation consultant came, my support was minimal.
He got jaundice, and it got worse. He weight dropped. We almost had to stay, keep him under the lights, they almost didn't let us leave. No formula I said. So they offered donor milk. I cried. No, I said. Give me a chance. They let us go home and use a bili blanket. I wonder now, looking back, if someone had taught me to use the shield correctly, maybe he would've recovered from his jaundice much much quicker. That first week we were home, his first week of life, was filled with jaundice jabs and weight checks. I hated them. I cried and cried. I hated breastfeeding. I remember sobbing, begging Drex to go get formula, I was exhausted and David was awake constantly, never satisfied. Please, I need formula. I hate breastfeeding. I hate this. Six months?! I don't think I can do it a month!!!! He told me no. I could do it. One day at a time. David gained, slowly slowly, but he gained. Then at his two week checkup, he'd lost weight again. I cried again. I was sure my milk was bad, it wasn't working, I was failing him. I failed at birthing him, and now I was failing at feeding him.
I googled IBCLC. I entered my zip code, I called. Betty answered. I remember crying trying to tell her what was going on. He gained, but then he lost, I'm using a shield, I need help. I met with her the next day and oh she was amazing. She taught me how to use the shield correctly, and gave me the correct size. She watched him nurse. She got him to latch for a millisecond without the shield (which was huge). Come back in three days, we'll check his weight then. He gained. It was slow, slower than it should've been but he gained. A small victory (even though it didn't feel like much at the time). She told me to start pumping, three times a day after nursing. Come back tomorrow, we'll check again. Tomorrow came. No gain. So we weighed him before and after nursing. He was eating next to nothing. She gave me a list of supplements to try and boost supply. And then the sns. I cried when she mentioned it. Using it felt like a fail. He needed extra. She explained why, that hopefully giving him extra easily while eating would make him work harder. Just a few days. I'd use my pumped milk. I wasn't failing. I hated that stupid thing. It was such a pain. But it worked. Finally, at three weeks old he was back to his birth weight.
And then David was born.
My home birth turned into a vaginal hospital birth. My vaginal hospital birth turned into a cesarean. My easy breastfeeding journey? It turned into a much harder one. I don't remember trying to get David to latch after my birth. I was on magnesium sulfate and totally out of it. I remember moments from the night he was born, but not all of them. Trying to breastfeed? I don't remember it. Drex tells me I tried. My mom tells me I did too. He wouldn't latch. I do remember crying. I do remember asking for a nipple shield. I do remember that he was able to latch with it. I do remember that no one told me how to use it correctly, no lactation consultant came, my support was minimal.
He got jaundice, and it got worse. He weight dropped. We almost had to stay, keep him under the lights, they almost didn't let us leave. No formula I said. So they offered donor milk. I cried. No, I said. Give me a chance. They let us go home and use a bili blanket. I wonder now, looking back, if someone had taught me to use the shield correctly, maybe he would've recovered from his jaundice much much quicker. That first week we were home, his first week of life, was filled with jaundice jabs and weight checks. I hated them. I cried and cried. I hated breastfeeding. I remember sobbing, begging Drex to go get formula, I was exhausted and David was awake constantly, never satisfied. Please, I need formula. I hate breastfeeding. I hate this. Six months?! I don't think I can do it a month!!!! He told me no. I could do it. One day at a time. David gained, slowly slowly, but he gained. Then at his two week checkup, he'd lost weight again. I cried again. I was sure my milk was bad, it wasn't working, I was failing him. I failed at birthing him, and now I was failing at feeding him.
I googled IBCLC. I entered my zip code, I called. Betty answered. I remember crying trying to tell her what was going on. He gained, but then he lost, I'm using a shield, I need help. I met with her the next day and oh she was amazing. She taught me how to use the shield correctly, and gave me the correct size. She watched him nurse. She got him to latch for a millisecond without the shield (which was huge). Come back in three days, we'll check his weight then. He gained. It was slow, slower than it should've been but he gained. A small victory (even though it didn't feel like much at the time). She told me to start pumping, three times a day after nursing. Come back tomorrow, we'll check again. Tomorrow came. No gain. So we weighed him before and after nursing. He was eating next to nothing. She gave me a list of supplements to try and boost supply. And then the sns. I cried when she mentioned it. Using it felt like a fail. He needed extra. She explained why, that hopefully giving him extra easily while eating would make him work harder. Just a few days. I'd use my pumped milk. I wasn't failing. I hated that stupid thing. It was such a pain. But it worked. Finally, at three weeks old he was back to his birth weight.
We still used a shield. I was so embarrassed by it. I wish I could tell past me that it was okay. Reassure her. Remind her that she was still feeding her baby, that she was doing a good job. We tried to wean off of it once, but it hurt. Oh it hurt. I was crying every time he latched, and was only able to latch to my right side (left was still too inverted). Don't rush it, I told myself. He's not ready, that's okay, give him time. That was a freeing moment for me. We were using a shield, and it was okay. It was what my baby needed, it's what worked for him, and so we did it. I stopped obsessively thinking about weaning off and ignored the people who kept telling me I needed to. This was my baby, my journey, my body, if this was what we needed right now, then so be it. And then, just before he was two months old, I decided just to try it. And he latched. Both sides. Perfectly. We never looked back.
Here I am, five months along with an exclusively breastfed baby who's in the 50th percentile for weight. Here I am, able to donate to another mama. To not only provide for my sweet babe, but another as well. I love breastfeeding. I'm proud of us. I wanted to give up, I really really did, but I am so glad that I didn't.
(what nursing looks like nowadays)
Good job sticking with it. Breastfeeing is such a delight at this point, isn't it? Clara takes such comfort and delight in it, that it's honestly one of the most meaningful experiences of my life.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe that no one showed you how to use the nipple shield and SNS correctly. We were visited by a lactation consultant daily while Clara was in NICU at Sacred Heart Riverbend and she and the NICU nurses were instrumental in helping me learn to do it all. I wish everyone had such a good experience. You are so fortunate to have such a wonderful husband to help you power through. I really relied on Keith a lot during those early days of breastfeeding.